She sat sulking at the hotel bar, crantini untouched. How had she fallen for this again? She thought she had found someone who really cared in Carlson. She thought she could look past the little ribbons of flesh hanging off his face like tiny bloody tassels. She thought she could get used to the smell of his fishy fingers touching her neck, trying to hold the hands of her vestigial arms. Fucking men are all the same she thought to herself and sighed.
Cherry looks down at her left foot and notices that a strap has come undone on her shoe, she leans down and uses all four hands to quickly fix the loose strap and as she sits up she notices someone has sit down in the stool next to her.
He is a good looking young man of about 26 years of age. Stubble just long enough to grate against the inside of her thighs and rub her raw. He looked completely normal other than one eye was brown and the other green. His right earlobe stretched down to form a fluid dripping uncircumcised penis that nearly touched his shoulder and wagged back and forth as he moved his head around to smile at her. She noticed a set of testicles tucked right behind this ear.
“Hi, can I buy you a drink?” He asked, never moving his eyes from hers.
She looked down at her own drink as if to say I already have a drink, you fucking moron! But she just reached over and knocked it off the bar with one of her good hands.
“Sure,” she said with a smile. “Cherry.” She reached out with her normal arm as if to shake hands.
“Paul. Can I shake the other?” He asked, looking hungrily at her vestigial arms hung right between two perfect (or so he thought) breasts.
She blushed, then complied; tiny, withered, reddened, and wrinkled hand reaching over to grasp his strong perfectly formed hand. He held it just an instant to long, his eyes rolling up in his head and his mouth parting slightly, moistening his lips with a seemingly forked tongue. Noticing the tongue, she could not stop thinking about his face between her legs, stubble rubbing against her thighs, forked tongue whipping in and out driving her up the bed posts.
“So what will it be? Sprite spritzer? Apple martini? Pabst Blue Ribbon?” He asks her, smile never leaving his perfect lips.
“Apple martini sounds nice.” She smiled back.
He ordered the drink from the bartender who was already standing there mopping up her previous drink. It was on the bar in front of her instantly and they began small talk which moved on to boisterous flirting and unhidden innuendo. About halfway through the conversation he placed his hand on her knee. Ever so slowly as they talked it moved closer and closer to her snatches. By the time it had gotten to the first one she was nearly dripping wet, he landed a strong finger on the little bud of flesh that sufficed as her right clitoris. She moved closer to him as his hand pulsated beneath her little black dress.
“My room is upstairs, if you would like to see it,” She whispered into his ear. A flicker of light shone behind his green eye and his smile stretched from ear to penis ear. They made their way to her room on the fourth floor of the hotel, making out heavily in the elevator and then again against her door as she fumbled in her purse for the key card.
Once in her room he tossed her to the bed and broke the straps of her little black dress which he threw to the floor. He roughly removed her bra to show her third nipple; dark, perky, and erect off the side of her left breast. At the sight of this his ear penis slid from its sheathe and began throbbing up and down with his heart beat, shaking from side to side as he breathed heavily.
Before she knew it her right vagina had been penetrated with his regular cock and he was pounding away, making funny faces at her and squealing out undecipherable pig-like phrases. She was a little sad she didn’t get the cunnilingus she was looking forward to, but she would take what she could get after the Carlson let down. As this thought crossed her mind he pulled a leather strap out of the inside pocket of the suit jacket he was still wearing and wrapped it around her neck.She wanted to scream but his talented hands closed her windpipe instantly. All four of her hands reaching up trying to loosen the strap in vain. She began to see spots.
An evil grin crossed his face and the head of his ear penis was red and swollen. As her vision dimmed she could see the balls behind his ear draw in in closer to his head as the ear penis began spraying semen all over the wall beside the bed. Carlson wasn’t so bad after all.
Can I Buy You A Drink?
Meet Your Meat
And I just sit there as she dances and wiggles above my face. Slightly bored I light up a cigarette because I quit 3 years ago and take a long slow drag. Her vagina hangs like some exotic sun dried fruit from a flesh colored limb. I take another drag from the cigarette and put it out on the back of her knee, she giggles and holds her hand out for a tip. I hand her a crinkled business card for a barbecue stand down the street and stand and walk towards the door.
”Excuse me mister, but I feel I should tell you your dragging a fetus behind you, its stuck on your shoe,” says a vagrant politician while pointing at the bloody mess I have stuck to the heel of my shoe like a piece of toilet paper. I remove a credit card from my wallet and scrape it off the bottom of my shoe like it was a piece of gum. I then slide the credit card into the vagrant politicians chest pocket.
”Keep the change,” I say.
I decide that a bite to eat would be wonderful after the stripper and the slightly appetizing but grit covered fetus. Steak seems like a wonderful idea. I leave the strip club and walk towards the Meet You’re Meat restaurant a few blocks away. I leave a few nicely wrapped nail bombs on the doors of every orphanage and church I pass on the way. They are such wonderful gifts for the children and clergy, I do so hope they enjoy them.
I reach Meet You’re Meat and wait in line to speak to the beautiful hostess. As I get closer to her I realize she has a line of stitches across her right cheek. Its only oozing a little bit of milky-clear liquid, secreting like semen down her cheek. She tells me there is of course no wait for me and I thank her generously and lick the secretion from her face. I follow her to my table, unable to remove my eyes from her assless pants as she walks sexily in front of me.
”You’re waiter will be with you shortly,” she says exposing her left nipple and pinching it and grinning at the same time.
“What a nice girl,” I think to myself as I notice my surroundings. The restaurant is a very classy place with candle lit tables and wonderful tablecloths and napkins, each lovingly made by the tiny hands of some third world child laborer. In the center of the building is a large stable with several cows, goats, sheep, chickens, land-squids, and children inside, each in its own special stall. I set my sights on a lovely black angus cow and decide that its him that I would like to eat tonight.
I turn to my right to see a gay couple feasting on a small Namibian boy carved like a turkey on their table, while giving each other hand jobs under the table. The Namibian boy seems to have a wine or vinaigrette sauce all over him and he keeps using his remaining arm to baste himself from the pool of sauce collected in the dish hes lying in. To my left is and enormously obese naked woman eating live baby chickens with fish roe, she is eating it voraciously and with such passion I am almost jealous that I never feel passion like that.
”Hello, Sir, my name is Jerome and I will be your waiter tonight. Have you looked over the menu? Would you like to hear our specials tonight?”
I look up to see a man with a beard on the left side of his face and fish scales growing on the right side. He is wearing a nice tuxedo with almost invisible pinstripes running vertically all over it.
”I would like a steak tonight,” I tell him while standing. I walk directly over to the black angus I mentioned before and stroke it between its two dark eyes. It looks up at me sweetly and my mouth begins to water.
”Will that be all for you sir? Anything to drink?” asks Jerome.
”A nice chilled glass of urine if you dont mind. Maybe a spring salad? No cucumbers though, I hate cucumbers.”
”Of course sir, your meal will be right out.” Jerome tells me as he pulls a beautiful Mossberg shotgun from his inside jacket pocket. He inserts a slug cartridge and puts it between the dark eyes of the lovely black angus and pulls the trigger. A beautiful fireworks display erupts from the cows skull and showers us both. I don’t mind. Its all part of the experience, oh how I do love this place!
I return to my table and take a sip of the chilled urine which miraculously is already on my table. It doesn’t taste so fresh but I’m not one to complain. I wait patiently and eat on my spring salad until my steak arrives. It is enormous. Covering the entire plate and at least 2 inches thick. It is cooked just to my liking, seared to almost black on the outside while still fleshy and bloody on the inside. I don’t bother with a fork and a knife, I just grab it with my left hand while I slide my right into my jeans and start pumping my cock. I masticate and masturbate in ecstasy while the gay couple seem to climax at the same time (I always wonder how they time that so perfectly, maybe its pheromonal) they squeal in delight just as the Namibian boy on their table takes his last breath. The obese woman to my left is staring me down with bright orange fish roe all over her face. It doesn’t bother me in the least. This steak is delicious.
the bedbugs
from Neatorama
”Here’s chivalry for you: the male bedbugs don’t even bother with the
female’s sex organs. Instead, a male bedbug uses its scimitar-like
sexual organ to impale the female bedbug’s body and deposit his sperm!
Scientists even have a cute name for this sort of thing: “traumatic insemination.” Ouch!”
is it just me, or is Traumatic Insemination the coolest name for a band
(next to Fisting Jesus, of course)?
jack black’s ant infestation
here is a funny story i just found. it was posted on 4/20, which i don’t think is a coincidence.
from the page:
“We’ve got a baby so we don’t want to spray the place with poison. So
we try and find the hippy-dippy exterminator guy and he comes with the
long hair and he’s gonna kill all the ants with love. And he takes one
look at the thousands of ants and says, ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got to bust
out the poisons.’ So he squirted down the poisons. And the key was to
kill the queen ant in the ant hives beneath the house. If you kill the
queen the colony will fall.”
leaving for beach
im leaving for the beach in 10 minutes, wont be back untill monday when i will post some pics and possibly video of our trip
idea
i had a sudden an semi-awesome idea just now while checking out the tenacious d wikipedia entry and i wanted to write it down so i wont forget it. i know this could never happen since i have to way to talk bands into doing anything and since i don’t know anything about throwing concerts or a tour. but anyways…
the idea is to have a nationwide tour of the country featuring several marijuana law reform supporting bands (of which i am sure there are plenty) where the entrance is free (will be advertisement supported and possibly partially sponsored by NORML or something like that) and right next to the entrance is a place to sign a petition to the federal government (possibly do it on a state by state basis as well) to decriminalize possession of marijuana. i don’t know if it would be legal to require a signature for entry or not so it could just be an “if you feel like it” thing.
i also think its kind of fucked up that there isn’t a NORML chapter in Georgia, not a single one. i hate this place.
l33t h4rdc0re danzRz
$71,000
Today my brother got his settlement from the City of Cedartown. $71,000 that he will deposit into the bank later. Suntrust gives you a free round trip ticket for every $10 thousand…. So maybe I can do a little overseas travel here in the near future. It would be pretty awesome to smoke a joint in a coffeeshop in Amsterdam or sit on a sunny (and warm this time of year) beach in south Africa or Brazil, maybe have some fresh sushi for breakfast in Japan. Or more than likely, we will just chill around here like we always do.
Score one for the little guy.
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